I was never really sure I wanted to be a mom. I wasn't enamored with children when I was young. I didn't really enjoy babysitting and I could see they were really, really messy. Now trust me, I am really messy myself and so that didn't seem like a good combination. I mean, I don't enjoy picking up after myself, why would I want to do it for a bunch of children too?
Nevertheless, I married Mark and now there are four grown Monroe boys: They survived me and I survived them. Better yet, I think they are the greatest gift to the world that has ever been given (OK, exaggeration alert: Christ is the greatest gift the world has ever known and then there's chocolate and Earl Grey tea but the Monroe boys are pretty darn fantastic). I digress....
When I started Christian Arts and Theatre (CAT) 10 years ago I noticed a trend in the things I would say to my boys. Honestly, I am sure if I could step outside myself and listen to my conversations with them, I would be shocked. For example, I never dreamed I would say to any of my sons, "Did you put on your eyeliner and mascara?" Or, "I think that lip color is too dark, lighten it up a bit." No kidding! This last show, Isaac played the Genie in Aladdin. We had a conversation about him shaving his armpits and arms. Those are not things I would have ever expected to discuss with my boys. But when you put it into the perspective of theater it makes a bit more sense. (Some of you are thinking, "No... I still think it's weird"... but that's ok too).
Two weeks ago, I said something else I never dreamed I would say: "My son is going to Iraq". Yep. That is a whole 'nother kind of sentence I would have truly prefered to stay away from. My army son is being deployed. Now, it would have been easier to talk about his deployment if it had gone as planned but now we find ourselves in this weird middle world of army-ness and it's hard to wrap my mind around this new turn of events: I mean, there are new moments in the middle of the night when the thought tiptoes across my brain that I actually want the army to take him. Without too much detail, I can say that despite being told that he was leaving on Saturday, August 15th, he didn't go and now it's all about waiting. Out of 103 troops waiting to deploy, the army took 100 and my son was one of three who were left behind. He is in a place of complete flux, just waiting.
My faith tells me that the Lord has some important, valuable reason he is still here. I have this incredible sense that God is bending the entire "whatever whatever" battalion to do HIS will, in HIS time, in HIS way. Why? For what purpose? The possibilities are endless.... maybe it's nothing more than to teach my son some additional patience. Maybe it's so he and his new fiance' can have more time together as they plan their future lives. Maybe there's a mission that only my son can accomplish and he can't do it if he's in Iraq. Maybe God wants me to learn to trust Him more and He is using my son as the illustration. Maybe there just wasn't enough room on the plane.
Whatever the purpose, it's hard not to wonder, asking the Lord frequently" What is going on? What are you doing with him." But the Lord just gently reminds me trust: "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on thy own understanding". So there it is. I want God to take my son to Iraq as long as it's what HE wants: That's something I never thought I'd say.
3 comments:
Dear friend, dear mother-heart that you are . . . thanks for sharing your funny, real reflections. I love you.
Cyndi, I loved to read about you and your sons. What an amazing mother you have been and it truly is reflected in your wonderful sons! Congratulations! And thanks for sharing your humor as a mom. I miss you!
How true. . how true. . .It's all part of his "Joseph" journey. . none of it may make sense until many years have passed. . .August thinks Jordan learned Korean so that he can help Austin and August rescue children in human trafficking out of Asia. . who knows what the whole plan is. . .only God above :). .
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